Syboleth ch. 1: A New Friend

Wow, this is really good. I just love how you start the chapter mysteriously, ant the word 'couldn't' somehow really added to the suspense. I am excited to learn more about this strange narrator!
I think Jess and Elliot are excellent names and the way you portray them tells me a lot about who they are, even after reading a few sentences.
The fact that it's set in 2031 is really cool, especially since when most people write a futuristic or dystopian novel, they set it in 2070 or something like that. But 2031 is only six years away, which makes the changes a little more interesting for the reader to compare to their current lives.
The only thing that I'd suggest you add are things before the characters speak on the text chain, like this:
Jess: is chococat your favorite character then, or someone else?

Elliot: oh he is def not my fav haha, i just identify most with him. i could never make my picture my favorite it would be so ego rubby of me

Jess: ego rubby?

Elliot: egotistical.

Overall, this is a very interesting story and I would love to read more!!!
Have a good day!
-CherryScriptAMK

okay I like where this is going! I'm curious to see if we find out more about the narrator it would be interesting if it twisted into the narrator becoming a main character in the book. I'm intrigued. At first it seemed like a fantasy novel by the tone of the narrator but it switched to a realism scenario I'm curious with the author's voice aligning with these two and how they connect. I'm interested though!

I figure it's time to start at the beginning :')

The narrator... kind of sucks? This utilizes a direct address to a "reader of the 2020s." This is very classic hook; by positioning the reader as a historical artifact, you immediately establish that the world of the story has undergone a radical transformation.

However, with knowledge of later chapters, I feel like it's a bit too on the nose; you are leaning heavily on this "trust me" narrative style. The whole paternalistic and slightly condescending thing works with their later voice, but this address doesn't seem to capture the story's feeling whenever we shift focus to actual pov characters and their stories. It feels like you shoved a narrator in this as an afterthought to make sense of the story's progression past the first chapter.

When we shift into the actual narrative, the dialogue between Jess and Elliot captures the specific, slightly performative vulnerability of early adolescence with remarkable accuracy, though. Using Sanrio characters as a cultural bridge is a great choice; it feels authentic to current trends bleeding into the near future. Like:

Jess kicked her feet up and brought her legs together in the air, lying with her stomach on her bed. She had made a new friend. And he was a boy. And he liked Sanrio!

Aet!!!

I get really excited whenever one of the old guard come back, especially with new writing, and YOU'RE HERE! YAY! Anyway, I had to look at your stuff! And now that you have official chapters, I figured I would leave some comments.

-> Ooooh omniscient narrator??? That sounds ominous, lol. From the tone, I can only assume things are going to get so bad that we need a warning that this is not just going to be a tween story about someone who meets a boy online. Though that automatically makes me nervous? Already, I'm kind of mentally preparing for some sort of predator to be involved... though I dunno if I can really get into a story about that... (I have a daughter about to turn 12 so it's not you, it's me.)

-> And! The thirteen year old! Hmmm... I don't think it really sounds like a 13 year old? It sounds quite a bit younger... maybe 10? I can't put my finger on it completely why it sounds younger... the dialogue isn't altogether unrealistic. However, like... my 12-year-old daughter has such a richer interior life than what is merely on the screen, and I think developing that would actually make your story more compelling, I think...

-> OKAY. I am predisposed to hate the boy because I kind of expect him to be a predator? So far... I dunno... it's kind of boring. There's not a lot of chemistry between them and while she's thrilled a boy is talking to her... like. I dunno. She doesn't see that excited yet? I think some narrative going more into her interior life would be really good here! The only thing that makes me think something more sinister might happen is the omniscient narrator... the actual text is kind of bland.

...okay! Next chapter!

Well at long last we have come to this. Hia Aet!
Glad to finally see some sorta ch1 then xd

“Damn. Chapter one got hands.” LOL

First thought on the chapter proper: Well these are certainly repetitions of the word “to tell” you got going in your first paragraph @.@

Hm I don’t like the lead in to the chapter. It manages to be short and somehow still repetitive. Like… it slowly meanders to the point while repeating itself.

I do like the convo the two kiddos have tho. That flows well and I like that you showed who wrote what with the indents. That works well!

Now she just had to avoid waking up from the dream.

I won’t embarrass you.” she said

Hi Hope here.

I make a lot of big suggestions in this review, feel free to disregard them if you don't like something I said, but please take it into consideration.

I think that the biggest place you have for improvement is in your formatting.

during the entire texting sequence it is hard to tell who is speaking, and the bios are also included kind of strangely. You transition from the introduction directly into the texting scene, and it leaves little to no time for the reader to realize what is going on.

i would suggest that between this

<<We begin our meandering story in the blistering hot summer of the year 2031, in a brightly decorated house that is quite modest for the area (a North American suburb for those who are well-to-do) but perfectly comfortable for a couple with one child.>>

and this line

<<Name: Elliot/Age: 14/Gender: M/Bio: idk what t oput here.>>

you 'zoom in' the perspective a little more, maybe focus on Jess's room before going directly into the texting. maybe something like 'that one child was currently engaged in a conversation on her laptop with someone very important'

then the bio's themselves are a little clunky, not the words, but how they are introduced. something like 'Elliot joined the chat' then having Jess check his profile would be smoother.

it would be a lot easier to read if the texts were formatted like this as well

<<Elliot: i like your profile picture. chococat, right?

Jess: yes!!! do u like hello kitty?>>

It is also unclear where this chat is taking place. Since Jess is putting her school and one of her teachers in her bio I assume it is somewhere safe, and since they are both using their real names i think so too, but also since Jess put her school in her bio that means it isn't a school chat. Is she telling people in a random chatroom her age, name, and where she goes to school? if not it should be mentioned.

In your dialogue you are also struggling with the same lack of clarity about who is speaking. It is relatively easy to tell in this situation, but you should almost always use a dialogue tag!

'said' is your best friend. Do not fear 'said.' it does not matter what your teacher, sibling, parent, friend, youtuber, whatever told you.

I am giving you official permission to use said. It isn't repetitive. It isn't boring. It is the standard method of showing who is saying what in a conversation. you should use other tags to, just less frequently Example

<<“Mommm, you already are gonna. He’s not that old. Send him an email at least.” Jess groaned

“Well, okay. I can do that.” her mom said

“Thank you,” Jess said with ample tones of gratitude in her voice. “Oh… and I met a new friend! He even likes Sanrio characters.”

“He does?”

“Yeah.” Jess said >>

you don't need to use one EVERY time, especially for short questions, but when in doubt use said!!

It's wonderful. The flow is good, I didn't notice any grammar or spelling errors, and the narrative style is very interesting. There didn't happen much in this chapter, but I trust that that will come later, and the way you tell your story makes up for it.
It's very nice!
Ah.. I meant to submit it as a review, but accidentally pressed the wrong button. Well, since I didn't review much as there are no errors, that isn't bad.